The week in Tory – and, yes, it’s only Monday

Photo by Limojoe, Greensill logo added. Both Wikimedia Commons

Warning: contains strong language.

Somehow, it’s time for #TheWeekInTory again, even though it’s still only Monday. Four more days of this week to go, and we’re already up to 74 points.


Anyway, do a quick snort of glue, and then let’s get stuck in. 

1. Suella Braverman took a break from kidnapping dalmatians to say being homeless was a “lifestyle choice”.

2. The home secretary, Heinrich Hamster, followed this up with a claim that asking for an Armistice on Armistice Day was the act of a “hate marcher” .

3. Joseph Gerbils then broke ministerial rules by writing an article undermining the police.

4. Her literal job is – or was – to support the police.

5. And then she called the police biased, cos right-wing protests are more often banned.

6. There might be a reason why: freedom of information requests show right-wing protests had over ten times the level of arrests for violence compared to left-wing.

7. Senior police said the actual Home Secretary was “giving permission” for the far-right to engage in yet more disruption and violence.

8. The Royal British Legion, Met Police and General Sir Richard Dannatt (Tory peer and former head of British Army) all supported the right to march;

9. But Braverman insisted peaceful marchers had links to terrorism, and suggested that Ulster politicians were much the same as Hamas.

10. Grant Shapps said Labour was “trying to politicise the weekend” by not saying the incredibly incendiary thing Braverman had just said.

11. Another Grant Shapps said he “sees no reason for Suella to resign”.

12. And then a different Grant Shapps refused to back her.

13. And then a fourth Grant Shapps said he “won’t make a prediction” on her future.

14. All in one day.

15. Police said Braverman’s words were “a factor” in right-wing attacks on them.

16. Tory MPs described Braverman as “unhinged”, “ignorant” and “dangerous and divisive”. 

17. Four former Tory ministers called on her to be sacked before Sunday.

18. But, on the other hand, Tory minister Neil O’Brien called peaceful protestors “rabble of racists, cranks, antisemites and moronic terrorism-glorifiers”, so who knows what’s true? 

19. So our nation’s first ever spine donor, Rishi Sunak, asked the Chief Whip to assess party feelings about whether it was OK for the home secretary to incite a riot or not.

20. One Tory minister said “as well as being an unpopular PM, he now becomes a weak and unpopular PM” .

21. Imagine everybody’s shock when the legal, peaceful protest turned out to be peaceful and legal.

22. But the noble counter-protest by the Braverman-invited far-right led to assaults on police, drugs, knives, batons, knuckle-dusters, and 92 arrests. 

23. As a result – and apologies to everybody who beat me to the joke – Suella Braverman has made the “lifestyle choice” to be unceremoniously sacked.

24. She’s so popular that when he heard the news, one Tory MP texted ITV the word “Rejoice”. 

25. But Miriam Cates and Danny Kruger – Pru Leith’s least appealing bake – are already plotting to getting Braverman elected Tory leader.

26. And Marilyn Manson’s mum, Jacob Rees-Mogg, said it was a mistake to sack Braverman, cos she “understood what the British voter thought”. 

27. This is despite Conservative Home listing her as the most unpopular of all Tory MPs, up against – let’s face it – pretty vigorous competition.

28. Thatcher’s advertising guru said UK now “needs saving from five more years of stagnation, cruelty and despair” under Tories. 

29. So as part of Sunak’s plan to fix the problems caused by austerity and Brexit, he’s brought back the guy who gave us austerity and Brexit.

30. David Cameron brings to the role a winning combination of smooth eloquence, polished manners, lacquered hair, and a varnished head. 

31. It’s less than a year since Sunak called Cameron’s foreign policy “naïve”, so now he’s appointed him to be Foreign Secretary.

32. Cameron has only just criticised Israel and supported Gaza, and now his job is to do the opposite. 

33. Tory MPs seem delighted to have the ex-PM back: “WTAF!!! … an unelected Foreign Secretary appointed by an unelected PM”.

34. A former Cabinet minister was asked if the party would approve of Cameron’s return, and replied “There is no party at this stage”. 

35. Sunak – who promised integrity at every level – has appointed Cameron despite him being found by four separate inquiries to have displayed “a significant lack of judgement” about Greensill Capital, an alleged “Ponzi scheme” that paid Cameron millions a year. 

36. Anyway, I’m not suggesting the Tories have run out of talent, but they’re reduced to packing the cabinet with people who aren’t even MPs.

37. This means the new Foreign Secretary, a glazed polyp in a £10,000 suit, can’t even answer questions in the House of Commons.

38. Meanwhile shunted on to be our new Home Secretary: James Cleverley, a stunningly successful one-man campaign to disprove nominative determinism.

39. Cleverley said he is – prepare to be shocked – “absolutely committed to stopping the boats”. 

40. His two spectacularly failed predecessors – “Chinchilla the Hun” Braverman, and Priti Patel, the Shetland Pony of the Apocalypse – were also absolutely committed to stopping the boats. They didn’t stop the boats. Maybe they need committing for a bit longer. 

41. In fact, the Tories have introduced 173 changes to migration policy since 2010, which is more than one per month.

42. And over 40 policy announcements about small boats just since 2019.

43. None of this has stopped small boats. Its just possible posturing isn’t the solution. 

44. Anyway, this makes it Cleverley’s eighth government appointment in seven years.

45. Grant Shapps has had ten jobs in seven years.

46. Steve Barclay, an explosion in a nothing factory – and also sacked as health minister today – is leaving his seventh job in six years. 

47. And FIFTEEN housing ministers since 2010.

48. Scratch that – 16. Rachel McClean just got sacked as housing minister, simply for failing to deliver the government’s no-fault eviction ban 11 years after it was first promised.

49. No fault evictions have risen 38 per cent in a single year.

50. Ministers for science, environment, schools, transport, health, social care, cabinet office and housing have all resigned today.

51. Grizzling Uncle Fester impersonator Thérèse Coffey also said it was the “right time” to leave the government, and is wrong by only 13 years. 

52. If you ignore the 62 who resigned in one day under Boris Johnson, a Fat Malfoy we made PM for a dare, that makes today the biggest mass resignation on record – but it barely raises an eyebrow after 13 solid years of political carnage.

53. Meanwhile two of the remaining cabinet members – the Tory Party’s emotional support turbot Michael Gove and Kemi Badenoch – are refusing to speak to one another because Gove had a messy affair with Badenoch’s pal. 

54. And Nadine Dorries, a woman who is trapped forever at Lambrini o’clock, suggested Michael Gove was drunk at work. Maybe he couldn’t get coke. Coca Cola, I mean. Naturally.

55. Anyway, take a deep breath, because it’s Tory Relaunch time. Again. 

56. It’s only 6 days since Sunak last relaunched his government, with a King’s Speech that Tory MPs described as “a damp squib”, “dull as ditchwater” and “not even pretending to govern any more”. I shall categorise this as a stunning return to form. 

57. The government still hasn’t even finished “counting” how many schools it has let fall down on its watch.

58. But it has found time to give an £11.5m contract to a Tory donor to supply temporary classrooms.

59. No other companies were invited to tender.

60. Gavin Williamson has been warned not to breach ministerial rules – which he’s breached countless times before – as he accepted a new job with a “lifestyle influencer” credit card company in Brazil, while still being an MP in England. 

61. To be honest, they should really be warning Brazil about Williamson, who is a lifetime collection of blunders lent physical form, fitted with the teeth of a starved horse, and sent skittering around Westminster with instructions to break everything. 

62. If you think things have never been worse, you’re not paying attention to the Covid Inquiry, where Simon Case, the most senior civil servant, said “I’ve never seen a bunch of people less well-equipped to run a country”. 

63. He described Boris Johnson’s leadership as “mad” and “poisonous”.

64. Johnson had told Case he wanted “bigger fines” for people who broke lockdown rules, less than 2 weeks after he broke lockdown rules to throw a birthday party for himself in No 10.

65. And Matt Hancock, Keith Harris gone to seed after being abandoned by Orville, was described as being a serial liar with “nuclear levels” of overconfidence, who was “so far up Boris Johnson’s arse that his ankles are brown”. Poetry. 

66. NHS news, and Sunak said “we are making real progress” in reducing waiting times.

67. The next day, NHS figures showed waiting times were the worst in UK history, and the waiting list is now 7.7 million people, which is more than 10 per cent of the entire country.

68. The day after that, the NHS had to cancel thousands of operations after the govt refused to provide funding.

69. And just one day after that, Sunak “downgraded” his absolute promise to cut NHS waiting lists by the end of this year.

70. But the government did approve a £480m deal for Palantir to look after your NHS health data.

71. Palantir is owned by a far-right Trump backer, and was involved in the Facebook/Brexit/Cambridge Analytica fake news scandal, so that’s reassuring.

72. Update on the govt’s terribly urgent plans to cut the cost of living, and Andrea Leadsom reassured us energy will be cheaper “within 10 years”, so just keep shivering.

73. Since Sunak’s “improvements” to onshore wind laws, not a single onshore wind farm has been built.

74. And Jeremy Hunt, a Chancellor who at this point could be replaced by a confused spaniel with pocket calculator, is now considering cutting tax for the rich, while introducing a further £4bn in welfare cuts for people with health conditions. 

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